destiny

My dad said that when he saw my mom for the first time, he knew he was going to end up spending the rest of his life with her. Despite my mother snickering in the background, I find love stories that begin like this magical. It’s like seeing destiny hard at work in fulfilling what was written in the Book of Life centuries before.

I see destiny as a ninja, always lurking in the shadows. It follows us constantly, with his ear sharply attuned to the each thought and movement we make. It sets the stage for things (in relation to your future) to happen and changes things along the way too (when you veer away from what is suppose to happen).

Some people hate the concept of destiny or fate. They think that believing in such things absolves the person from taking control over their own lives. Why make things happen if they are meant to happen anyway? Why be an active participant in shaping your future self if being passive leads to the same result? What difference does each decision make?

Perhaps it’s the uncertainty of what version of our future selves do we become that drives us to live life with such a struggle. We can be whatever we want to be but only if we want it so much that our entire being shudders at the thought of being something else, something other than who we are destined to become. Because free will is mixed into the formula, destiny cannot do its mission properly without the person’s conscious efforts.

Destiny works in small ways. One day you just decide to become a singer and the next thing you know, you meet a choir leader. That’s destiny right there, setting you up for more vocal practice and bigger things. Sometimes, when destiny’s really generous, he’ll give it to you in one drop like landing a contract for a recording label. At times like this, you must remember that even destiny can’t wait forever.

I think that’s why the people who know about destiny, free will and conscious effort seem to be the happiest, successful and richest ones. They know they can’t control everything but with the things that they can change, they do something about it. Destiny can only go so far. After that, you are on your own.

moments

this is one of my favorite pictures. it's my sister with baby aj at the billiard hall. they came over to watch me practice and i guess baby aj liked the cool temperature that he fell asleep. they look so cute together! it's one of those things you'd like to look back on years after.

makes me wonder how i would be like as a mother..hmm, any thoughts?

and then there's this..

it's november! a few more days and i'll be moving along to a new adventure. and definitely the signs that this decision was the right one are still coming through. bills are getting paid, i still get to treat myself from time to time and i recently received news that i have old and lovely friends working there as well so it's not going to be that lonely after all! and guess what...i'm so happy that i'm even making sales (much to the dismay of my AMO and MO since i'm leaving soon).

i think i'm spreading myself thin with my many engagements from left to right. not to mention meeting my family obligations. so little time, so much to do! but i have no complaints. only that my body is screaming for a relaxing vacation. hopefully i can grant its request soon. for now, these sacrifices are worth the time i spend with my friends and loved ones.
==
i need a room make over! i have old books, clothes, shoes and bags to dispose of. i want a semblance of order in my chaotic life and i'm starting with my room.

i really get excited whenever i think about the final look of my room. i haven't really decided on the colors but i've begun making floor plans and sketches of how i would like my room to be. i also have a few ideas on what furnitures i want in it. i need to get myself a computer table, work desk and a bookshelf.maybe throw in a reading chair, if the space allows it.

yey! i absolutely love being creative. i am intoxicated with the ideas flowing from my head. i'm becoming more visual. vibrant images excite me and along with it comes the joy of being part of the birth of something wonderful in my life.

moving along

i am still stunned at how things are falling into place with my move to another company. i'm getting my bills paid and most recently, am a proud owner of ACM-802 (that's the family owner jeep). ok fine...it's not as classy as an Altis or Vios but i'll take whatever God gives me. so far i've been taken cared of ever since i gave control of my life to God and i am very, very thankful.

giving up control is still hard for me to swallow. i like knowing what to expect..even just a general idea works fine. but being blind about my future absolutely scares me. right now i'm doing ok just living each moment one day at a time. i always have to remind myself to slow down and CHILL whenever i start being agitated.

i'm enjoying spending time with my old teammates and discovering new friendships in my present team. it's great that i get to share experiences with them. i look forward to new, memorable and crazy adventures ahead!

despite those bouts of loneliness, i can honestly say that life's good and that i am slowly moving forward.

a change will do me good

work's not going well. just when i thought i was getting it together, the rain came pouring down. i hate being right 95% of the time. it would be have been 100% if i didn't second guess myself and just trusted my instincts. it's a blessing and a curse to be analytical and emotionally sensitive. not only that, i am chronically nice so making a decision requires hours on my end...days even! yes, it's a mess being inside my head.

on the bright side, i'm getting excited again. why? it's because in the search for my passion job, i am rediscovering my creative self. i really love creating things. it's just like what my idol, Neil Gaiman said, "The world always seems brighter when you've just made something that wasn't there before." i honestly feel that way. will still keep a day job. it's a necessity anyway, both for living expenses and my sanity.

==
spent my VL last month on a CHUCK-PUSHING DAISIES marathon with my mom plus i am creating my project website workflow, catching up on my reading (the digital designer's bible & Novel ideas: Science Fiction), practising my story writing skills, icon and banner image editing, researching on my several projects and reconnecting with friends. i'm investing as much time as i can with my passions coz once i return to work, i must focus on getting my stats up. i'm using my anger as motivation despite the fact that i know i will fail this month's scorecard already. it's really frustrating to be this helpless. wish i could find a new inspiration.

as for my health, it's not looking good. colds and cough are rampant and i have fallen victim to them. will probably get a CA in attendance but what can you do when it's your body complaining? anyway, i will take responsibility for my actions like always. no sense in destroying my good reputation.

i know that things will get better with God taking the reins. although it's hard to understand where he's leading me in my life right now, i put my trust in Him. there are just some things in life we are meant to get the significance in retrospect. so as of today it's "living in the moment" for me. no thought of the future, just letting the tide wash me away and then see where it takes me.

love is a battlefield

i just watched "he's just not that into you." and i find it surprising that greg brendhart's book does say a lot about how men play the game. it's enough to make you want to abandon dating ever again. all the subtles clues you have to pick up if he likes you, if he will call you back or if he's even genuinely interested in you. and after you think that you've read the signs correctly, you now have to second guess all his actions, whether he's just fooling around, he's stringing you along for the ride or if he's serious enough about you to want to have a committed relationship down the line.

personally, i find the game tiring. why can't a man be honest and lay down his cards on the table for a woman to accept him with all his praises and faults? why are they indecisive when it comes to choosing ONE woman while they can stay loyal to their favorite basketball team even if that team never won a championship game in years? all this talk of being visually-stimulated and being wired to look for variety seems like a load of psychobabble to justify men's incapacity to be content with their happiness when it's right in front of them.

sure, i mean we all have issues that we need to face in life. insecurities, fears and dreams that we would like to overcome and conquer. but it's a team effort. humans need an emotional support system to balance out all the other aspects of their life and we get it from our family, friends, pets and our partners. so why is it so hard to find that constant person in our life to fill that need and be enough?

one theory is because of change. nothing in this universe ever stays the same and as we add life experiences everyday, our tastes, preferences and needs also shift- either it matures or devolves. eventually we tire of who we've chosen before and begin another cycle of courtship or flirtation with someone new, suddenly forgetting the contentment, the joy of the one we are currently with.

i do not take free will out of anyone's right. far from it. my point is when you find that person then stick with them. if you don't mean to play for keeps then be upfront about it. i'm sick and tired of hearing men justify their philandering when all they are really doing is trying to convince themselves that they are good just to curb that guilty feeling inside. what a bunch of ass---es!

i write for spite. i write for all those women who gave their everything to that guy who didn't deserve it in the first place. i write for those times he says he loves you while banging another girl the next day. i write for all those weekends he says he can't make it because of a meeting while he's enjoying an out of town trip with another girl. i write for all those times you've been patient with all his shortcomings and yet he gives the other girl his best front. love stinks!

i choose not to be a victim. i will find my happiness and even if it takes 3, 5 or 10 years to get it, i don't care. i know i will find my happy ending. i refuse to be beaten down by a weakling who hides in the facade of office power and rank.

for now i will find happiness in other people, in my friends, in my family and in my passions. i will explore the world the way you could never give me because i know that when i am healed then my heart will be overflowing with love and the guy who gets to share this life with me is one lucky bastard.

nothing stays the same

i am a restless person. i bore easily and if something doesn't keep my interest and if i feel it's not worth my time and energy, i have no qualms about making changes in my life.

and so the inevitable happened. since dexter passed away, my life has been spiralling out of control, with nothing absolute to hold on to except my faith in God and my friends. even my lovelife crash and burned and now i am ready for something new and real.

i want commitment. i want to surround myself with things that matter, people who sincerely love and care about me as much as i care about them, people whom i can look up to and respect, things that add value to my life experiences, things that i am passionate about. new friends, new experiences, new challenges, new everything! i feel like i am ready to start over. to take more risks even if it means failure.

i know it will be hard in the beginning but i will overcome. my trust in God will not falter. and i believe with my whole heart that He has something beautiful for me at the end of this painful journey that i am going through. (and by the way, if you are wondering..things are not yet smooth sailing for me. i put on a brave face everyday despite the pain i bear inside.)

i have no regrets. only this lesson learned: "accept things, let go and then move on."

it's time to love myself.